Archive | Distusting RSS feed for this section

How DO I live like this?

6 Jan

Some days I really don’t know how I *DO* live like this.  Tuesday was one of those days.

I hurt my neck and shoulders, I don’t know how.  So when you’re imagining all of this, you need to include PAIN, OK?  Pain.  Not unbearable pain, just, like, low-grade, level 3 pain.  Annoying pain.  The kind of pain that makes you say, “My life would sure be better without this PAIN.”  That kind of pain.

So Tuesday, after a long-ish night, the Bishop woke me up at about 8:30 (Baby was still sleeping) so that I could have my shower.  After my shower, the Bishop took off for work, and Chaos Peanut celebrated by peeing in our bed.  So I stripped the bed and threw the sheets into the wash, while Baby Chaos sat in his bouncy seat and cried.  His heart was breaking without me.

Monday night, I had put a load of laundry on top of the wet laundry that was still in the washer (classy) and Tuesday morning the Bishop put the whole load (largest load of laundry EVAR) in the dryer.  It took about four years to dry.  When I went to get Chaos’ underwear and some nice warm clothes for Baby…

There was a suspicious smell of poop…

Because someone (note that I am not blaming the Bishop here.  Because it might have been me as well.  But it probably wasn’t.) had not cleaned all the poop out of Chaos’ pants after an accident, and so into the wash the poop went.

You know what happens when you launder poop and put it in the dryer?  I’m not talking about poop stains on clothes, I’m talking actual great balls of poop.  So do you know what happens?

Well, I’ll tell you what happens.  You get linty poop.

Which you then have to FIND among the shirts and pants and underpants and baby clothes.  You have to go hunting for the linty poop.

So I’m in the basement with my head in the dryer (at least it wasn’t in the oven!) hunting for linty poop.  Baby Peanut is upstairs (I can hear him) screaming his face off in the bouncy seat.  I know Chaos isn’t up there trying to kill him because she loves him so, because she had followed me into the basement.  She was very excited to find me, and also to find her Princess scooter, which was down in the basement because it is January, so she  celebrated by peeing on the floor.

Me, I located all of the linty poop (there were several pieces.  You didn’t want to know that?  Well, neither did I!) and threw it in the toilet.  I put the laundry back in to RE-wash, in two loads.  I got Chaos cleaned up and on the potty.

You’re remembering the background of PAIN and SCREAMING BABY right?

Also Baby decided that was a good day to really practice his upchucking skills.  He is really showing a talent for that.

I did have a babysitter come to help me that day.  Emily the Awesome showed up and stayed late and held Baby Peanut for me.  Baby Peanut was best pleased and he barfed on her too.  He didn’t want to play favorites.

It was easier once Awesome Emily was there, but also I feel like I really *should* be able to handle this on my own.  Mothers, since the beginning of time, have been  handling this and more, without Awesome Emily, and without even having things like a washing machine.  And they still have clean houses.

I want to make some snarky comment about how this just proves that I am completely inadequate but every time I try to phrase it I just sound insecure, and I am  not, or like I’m fishing for you to tell me that I am not completely inadequate, and I am not.

I know I am completely inadequate.  I know because one time I meditated for a writing class, and I looked deep into my inner self because the instructor said that there would be some deep spiritual message from my inner self that would guide me for the rest of my days.  So I looked deep into my inner self and I got the spiritual message that would guide me for the rest of my days, and the message was, “You are completely inadequate.”

I have decided the best thing to do is to make peace with that.

Advertisements

I cleaned a thing!

3 Jan

Usually I get so completely overwhelmed by the amount of cleaning that I need to do that I just don’t do any of it, which works handily for Chaos Peanut, who would just follow me around messing it up anyway, and also for Baby Chaos, because I’d have to put him down to clean and he’s not feeling that and also for Bishop Mishegas, because he doesn’t care that much and if I don’t clean a thing he also doesn’t have to clean a thing.

However, today before I took my shower (so Bishop was entertaining Baby by making him be a Space Robot; more on that perhaps another time.)  I decided to take 30 seconds to clean the sink.  My friend Tracy’s 5 year old son totally sink-shamed me a few weeks ago, by not wanting to use my potty because my sink was, I believe he said, “distusting.”

I cleaned it after he sink-shamed me, but then it got “distusting” again because of the “frothy mixture of Barbasol and tiny hairs that is sometimes the by-product of Bishop Mishegas shaving.”  (Paraphrased from Spreading Santorum, in case you didn’t catch it.  And by the way, don’t you think I should name that “distusting” stuff after a politician I disagree with?  I mean, it’s a brilliant idea.  It’s INCREDIBLY mature.  Santorum is taken, so how about I name that stuff, Palin.)

Anyway, the sink was clogged with Palin, and I had to clear the Palin out of the sink.  I have a sink poker thingamajig that is great for clearing Palin out of sinks.  I think it was As Sold on TV, and it’s a grabby bit on a long flexible tube with a gun thing on the end and you thread it into your clogged sink and squeeze the gun thing and it yanks all the Palin out of your drain and it’s satisfyingly vomitous and you can say, “YUCK!” while you dispose of the Palin and the thingamajig is way better than Dran-O.  Plus anyway, I’m terrified of Dran0 because of that scene in “Heathers” when Christian Slater gives the first Heather a glass of DranO to drink and she promptly drops dead.

So I pulled the stopper out of the drain and the stopper was FULL of Palin (I don’t want to know why it turns dark grey after a while, so don’t tell me.) and then I put the sink poker down the sink and then I scrubbed the whole thing down with Ajax or whatever and the whole thing took five minutes.

In fact it has taken me considerably longer to write this post than it took me to clean a thing.

Stay tuned tomorrow… maybe I will clean another thing!

%d bloggers like this: