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I (Mostly) Cleared a Path

5 Jan

Chaos Peanut went back to school today.  She took the bus.  She was really excited to take the bus to school.  “School bus, or no school bus?” she said, and then she answered herself, “School bus:  OK!”

She was so excited to go to school that she kind of neglected to sleep.

So we were all up early except for Baby Peanut, (slept from 9-7:30 at 10 weeks, and he does this sort of crazy thing ALL THE TIME!!  WTF, Baby Peanut?  And of course all I can think is, “This is temporary, this just means he’ll be up all night when he’s 2.”  Because I have vague, distant memories, that Chaos Peanut used to sleep too.  But maybe it was a dream, generated by my sleep-deprived mind, and in fact it never really happened.) Chaos Peanut hasn’t slept through the night more than, like, once, in, like YEARS.  Years.

And poor Bishop Mishegas has to deal with her in the overnight because I am the one who deals with the baby.  At the time, we thought he was getting the better end of the deal.  Not so much.  Poor, tired, Bishop.

But, sleepy or not, at 8:14 this morning the Bishop and I put Chaos on the big yellow school bus and then we did a big happy dance and we went out to breakfast with Baby to celebrate.  Is that mean? Well, I don’t care.  I’ve been cleaning pee and poop off of the floor for 14 days and I am returning a girl who is much further along in her potty training goals, and now I get a “break.”

I went to Trader Joe’s, saw my poetist  therapist, went to Target, and now I’m home.  AND  Baby Peanut fell asleep in the car and so far HE IS STILL ASLEEP.  And yes, I should get back to cleaning and baking cookies.  I just took a break to EAT LUNCH!!  What a day!

My parents are coming.  I don’t clean for them.  I used to… I used to clean for visitors, but only so that I could get it to the point where I could apologize for the mess.  Like, I’d frantically clean and scrub for 3 days before company came, and then when they walked in, I’d say, “Sorry about the mess!”

And they’d never, ever say, “Oh, this isn’t messy at all, this is very clean and tidy and pleasant,” oh no.

They’d say, “That’s OK, we know you’re busy.”

And now, with Baby Peanut, I can’t really even do that 3 day cleaning thing.  I did clear a path from my living room to the bathroom, so that my parents can sit and my living room and get up and use the bathroom if they want to without tripping over papers, envelopes, groceries that haven’t been put away, Baby’s bouncy seat (which he hates, because if he is sitting in it, he is not sitting on me or you), Chaos’ pink Princess table or any of the four matching (small) chairs, Little People dolls, action figures from Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, (yes, they have action  figures from those shows, and yes, Chaos Peanut has all of them.  They’re her faves.) dirty spoons that Chaos Peanut threw on the floor in disgust while eating a bowl of bananas and yelling, “I want BANANAS!” and I don’t want to know what else.

But, we’re safe from that stuff, because I have kicked it all to the edges of the room and made a nice, clear path for walking.

My mother is going to want to clean and organize me but she is not allowed. She is banned from cleaning and organizing because last time she was here she decided to organize the baby’s room and get the stuff off the floor and she threw out two Hanukkah presents, one for my nephew and one for the big family gift exchange.  I managed to fish them out of the trash, but only after wasting a lot of my valuable non-Baby-holding time hunting for them, plus emailing the Bishop saying, “Have you seen an Ewok?”

To his credit, the Bishop just said, “No, not recently.”

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I cleaned a thing!

3 Jan

Usually I get so completely overwhelmed by the amount of cleaning that I need to do that I just don’t do any of it, which works handily for Chaos Peanut, who would just follow me around messing it up anyway, and also for Baby Chaos, because I’d have to put him down to clean and he’s not feeling that and also for Bishop Mishegas, because he doesn’t care that much and if I don’t clean a thing he also doesn’t have to clean a thing.

However, today before I took my shower (so Bishop was entertaining Baby by making him be a Space Robot; more on that perhaps another time.)  I decided to take 30 seconds to clean the sink.  My friend Tracy’s 5 year old son totally sink-shamed me a few weeks ago, by not wanting to use my potty because my sink was, I believe he said, “distusting.”

I cleaned it after he sink-shamed me, but then it got “distusting” again because of the “frothy mixture of Barbasol and tiny hairs that is sometimes the by-product of Bishop Mishegas shaving.”  (Paraphrased from Spreading Santorum, in case you didn’t catch it.  And by the way, don’t you think I should name that “distusting” stuff after a politician I disagree with?  I mean, it’s a brilliant idea.  It’s INCREDIBLY mature.  Santorum is taken, so how about I name that stuff, Palin.)

Anyway, the sink was clogged with Palin, and I had to clear the Palin out of the sink.  I have a sink poker thingamajig that is great for clearing Palin out of sinks.  I think it was As Sold on TV, and it’s a grabby bit on a long flexible tube with a gun thing on the end and you thread it into your clogged sink and squeeze the gun thing and it yanks all the Palin out of your drain and it’s satisfyingly vomitous and you can say, “YUCK!” while you dispose of the Palin and the thingamajig is way better than Dran-O.  Plus anyway, I’m terrified of Dran0 because of that scene in “Heathers” when Christian Slater gives the first Heather a glass of DranO to drink and she promptly drops dead.

So I pulled the stopper out of the drain and the stopper was FULL of Palin (I don’t want to know why it turns dark grey after a while, so don’t tell me.) and then I put the sink poker down the sink and then I scrubbed the whole thing down with Ajax or whatever and the whole thing took five minutes.

In fact it has taken me considerably longer to write this post than it took me to clean a thing.

Stay tuned tomorrow… maybe I will clean another thing!

Senator Mishegas wants a name change

3 Jan

Senator Mishegas does not want to be a senator.

Can’t blame him for that, the way the U.S. Senate behaves most of the time.

He says he wants to be “Bishop Mishegas.”  Also you should say that ten times fast.

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