The Lovers, The Dreamers and Me

10 Oct

11:00 p.m. Sunday – go to bed. I am responsible adult, with responsibilities, and am going to bed at a responsible hour so I can be fresh for the week’s responsibilities. Woo hoo! I rule!
1:15 a.m. Monday – !@#@!&!!! There is a small soft body in my bed kicking at me and giggling. Not good. Must return her to bed before the Bishop wakes up. Look for Nook e-reader so that I can keep my brain in sleepy haze while I sit outside Chaos’ door. Can’t find it. Grab cell phone and shine it around, looking for e-reader. Shine it in Chaos’ face. Finally locate e-reader. “OK, back to bed,” I say, “right after I go to the bathroom.” I get out of bed and go to the bathroom. Chaos starts screaming. The Bishop grunts and rolls over.
1:16 a.m. Monday – I return from the bathroom. Chaos has stopped screaming. “Come on, back to bed,” I say. Chaos ignores me. Grab her by the ankles and pull her out of my bed. She does not protest. Escort her back to her own. Locate all 4 Teletubby dolls under her bed, put them in their proper places, tuck Chaos back under her pink Dora the Explorer comforter.
1:17 a.m. Monday – “I WANT LULLABY,” Chaos says. I sing all 3 verses of “Rainbow Connection,” making them sound extra slow and sleepy, ’cause you know, I’m extra slow and sleepy. Hoping Chaos will get the idea.
1:18 a.m. Monday – “Who says that every wish should be heard and answered…” Chaos is not relaxing her body. Her eyes are not drifting closed. She is restless.
1:19 a.m. Monday – “I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it, it’s something that I’m supposed to be…” Chaos still restless. This can’t end well.
1:20 a.m. Monday – In the hallway outside Chaos’ room. Read one page of novel. From inside Chaos’ room, “I WANT LULLABY.”
1:23 a.m. Monday – The rainbow is now thoroughly connected. Chaos is now thoroughly not asleep.
1:25 a.m. Monday – Chaos out of bed. “I WANT PEDIASURE!” she says. I think I can slip some melatonin into the Pediasure and maybe she will fall asleep, so I agree. We go into the kitchen. I make a Pediasure and Melatonin cocktail and Chaos knocks it back.
1:27 a.m. Monday – “I WANT LULLABY.” Sing Rainbow Connection a third time.
1:30 a.m. Monday – “I WANT LULLABY.” No longer willing to sing Rainbow Connection, I launch into a Clash tribute concert beginning with Train in Vain. Chaos does not like. A short session of wrestling ensues ending with Chaos squirming in bed and me on the floor singing “Rainbow Connection.”
1:37 a.m. Monday – “I WANT LULLABY.” I start to get frustrated, which never helps. I yell at Chaos. She ignores me. I take several deep cleansing breaths, and force myself to sing “Rainbow Connection,” a self-imposed pennance for my regrettable lapse in patience.
1:45 a.m. Monday – “I WANT PEDIASURE.” It occurs to me that maybe she is hungry, so I offer her a snack. Chaos says that she wants one. I prepare a snack for her, and then decided that I need one for myself as well. Singing “Rainbow Connection” 17 times must burn an awful lot of calories.
2:00 a.m. Monday – We are finally done our snack and I take Chaos back to bed. “I WANT LULLABY,” she says. “I WANT RAINBOW.” “Oh, Chaos,” I beg, “Isn’t there any other song I could sing you?” “No, I want Rainbow,” she says. I sing “Rainbow Connection,” hoping it is the last time.
2:05 a.m. Monday – Quiet.
2:07 a.m. Monday – Quiet
2:15 a.m. Monday – Quiet. I get up from my guard post outside Chaos’ door and go back into the kitchen to make sure I put away the snack things. I did. I go back to bed. At last! Sleep! I can still get 4 solid hours and be fresh for tomorrow.
2:30 a.m. Monday – Awake. Do deep breathing exercises to relax.
2:35 a.m. Monday – Deep breathing exercises have had opposite effect. Am now incredibly anxious. Decide I definitely hear music coming from Curley’s room. Jump up to stick my head closer to the baby monitor. There is nothing. Wonder if my house is haunted.
2:37 a.m. Monday – HAUNTED! GAH!
2:55 a.m. Monday – I will use visualization to calm myself down. Visualize myself happily sleeping.
2:56 a.m. Monday – OR DEAD! Gah!
2:57 a.m. Monday – I will use this sleepless time constructively by working on the imaginary decor for my imaginary luxury villa in the Cote D’Azur.
3:10 a.m. Monday – Is my cream and blue color scheme a cliche for a seaside villa? Perhaps I should rethink it.
3:30 a.m. Monday – But would the Bishop mind my all purple color scheme? He would probably be OK with it but perhaps I should wake him up and ask him?
3:33 a.m. Monday – No, I probably should let him sleep even though this is VERY IMPORTANT!
3:36 a.m. Monday – Would baby gates ruin the luxury decor? What do rich people with fancy luxury villas do to keep their autistic six year olds from running into the ocean?
3:40 a.m. Monday – Sigh. Can’t sleep. Luckily I am used to functioning on almost no sleep. I have functioned on much less sleep than this. Although this reminds me of a friend in college who said, “I have drived much stoneder than this!”
3:45 a.m. Monday – But my children will be smarter than I was. They are already smarter than I was. Maybe Chaos is onto something with Rainbow Connection. Maybe the song has magical properties. Maybe “I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it. It’s something that I’m supposed to be…” Maybe what I need is a lullaby. Maybe I should wake the Bishop and make him sing to me.
3:46 a.m. Or I could just sing “Rainbow” to myself. “Why are there so many…”
4:00 a.m. Monday – Zzzzzzzz.


4 Responses to “The Lovers, The Dreamers and Me”

  1. Today'sThoughtExperiment October 10, 2013 at 11:19 pm #

    Frontgate sells some incredibly high end dog/child gates that look like the architect designed the house for them. I know that question was the most important part of the post!

    • ladymishegas October 11, 2013 at 3:07 pm #

      Oh, that’s very important. My imaginary house is very important to me. I will have to check out those gates. Of course, I could imagine that my imaginary house will be such a happy and exciting place that Chaos will *never* “elope,” (“elope” is what the experts call that behavior.) and that Chaos outgrows her interest in “eloping” and and then I wouldn’t need gates. After all, these *are* happy thoughts.

      Plus, in my imaginary house I have servants who are there to keep Chaos from eloping, or, better still, who accompany her on her many happy journeys and keep her safe.

  2. Karen B October 11, 2013 at 2:14 am #

    You are an amazing and fun writer. I adore everything you do. Clever, clever and real.

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