Archive | October, 2013

The Lovers, The Dreamers and Me

10 Oct

11:00 p.m. Sunday – go to bed. I am responsible adult, with responsibilities, and am going to bed at a responsible hour so I can be fresh for the week’s responsibilities. Woo hoo! I rule!
1:15 a.m. Monday – !@#@!&!!! There is a small soft body in my bed kicking at me and giggling. Not good. Must return her to bed before the Bishop wakes up. Look for Nook e-reader so that I can keep my brain in sleepy haze while I sit outside Chaos’ door. Can’t find it. Grab cell phone and shine it around, looking for e-reader. Shine it in Chaos’ face. Finally locate e-reader. “OK, back to bed,” I say, “right after I go to the bathroom.” I get out of bed and go to the bathroom. Chaos starts screaming. The Bishop grunts and rolls over.
1:16 a.m. Monday – I return from the bathroom. Chaos has stopped screaming. “Come on, back to bed,” I say. Chaos ignores me. Grab her by the ankles and pull her out of my bed. She does not protest. Escort her back to her own. Locate all 4 Teletubby dolls under her bed, put them in their proper places, tuck Chaos back under her pink Dora the Explorer comforter.
1:17 a.m. Monday – “I WANT LULLABY,” Chaos says. I sing all 3 verses of “Rainbow Connection,” making them sound extra slow and sleepy, ’cause you know, I’m extra slow and sleepy. Hoping Chaos will get the idea.
1:18 a.m. Monday – “Who says that every wish should be heard and answered…” Chaos is not relaxing her body. Her eyes are not drifting closed. She is restless.
1:19 a.m. Monday – “I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it, it’s something that I’m supposed to be…” Chaos still restless. This can’t end well.
1:20 a.m. Monday – In the hallway outside Chaos’ room. Read one page of novel. From inside Chaos’ room, “I WANT LULLABY.”
1:23 a.m. Monday – The rainbow is now thoroughly connected. Chaos is now thoroughly not asleep.
1:25 a.m. Monday – Chaos out of bed. “I WANT PEDIASURE!” she says. I think I can slip some melatonin into the Pediasure and maybe she will fall asleep, so I agree. We go into the kitchen. I make a Pediasure and Melatonin cocktail and Chaos knocks it back.
1:27 a.m. Monday – “I WANT LULLABY.” Sing Rainbow Connection a third time.
1:30 a.m. Monday – “I WANT LULLABY.” No longer willing to sing Rainbow Connection, I launch into a Clash tribute concert beginning with Train in Vain. Chaos does not like. A short session of wrestling ensues ending with Chaos squirming in bed and me on the floor singing “Rainbow Connection.”
1:37 a.m. Monday – “I WANT LULLABY.” I start to get frustrated, which never helps. I yell at Chaos. She ignores me. I take several deep cleansing breaths, and force myself to sing “Rainbow Connection,” a self-imposed pennance for my regrettable lapse in patience.
1:45 a.m. Monday – “I WANT PEDIASURE.” It occurs to me that maybe she is hungry, so I offer her a snack. Chaos says that she wants one. I prepare a snack for her, and then decided that I need one for myself as well. Singing “Rainbow Connection” 17 times must burn an awful lot of calories.
2:00 a.m. Monday – We are finally done our snack and I take Chaos back to bed. “I WANT LULLABY,” she says. “I WANT RAINBOW.” “Oh, Chaos,” I beg, “Isn’t there any other song I could sing you?” “No, I want Rainbow,” she says. I sing “Rainbow Connection,” hoping it is the last time.
2:05 a.m. Monday – Quiet.
2:07 a.m. Monday – Quiet
2:15 a.m. Monday – Quiet. I get up from my guard post outside Chaos’ door and go back into the kitchen to make sure I put away the snack things. I did. I go back to bed. At last! Sleep! I can still get 4 solid hours and be fresh for tomorrow.
2:30 a.m. Monday – Awake. Do deep breathing exercises to relax.
2:35 a.m. Monday – Deep breathing exercises have had opposite effect. Am now incredibly anxious. Decide I definitely hear music coming from Curley’s room. Jump up to stick my head closer to the baby monitor. There is nothing. Wonder if my house is haunted.
2:37 a.m. Monday – HAUNTED! GAH!
2:40 a.m. Monday – HAUNTED BY GHOSTS! OF DEAD PEOPLE! AND I WILL SOMEDAY BE ONE OF THEM! GAH!
2:55 a.m. Monday – I will use visualization to calm myself down. Visualize myself happily sleeping.
2:56 a.m. Monday – OR DEAD! Gah!
2:57 a.m. Monday – I will use this sleepless time constructively by working on the imaginary decor for my imaginary luxury villa in the Cote D’Azur.
3:10 a.m. Monday – Is my cream and blue color scheme a cliche for a seaside villa? Perhaps I should rethink it.
3:30 a.m. Monday – But would the Bishop mind my all purple color scheme? He would probably be OK with it but perhaps I should wake him up and ask him?
3:33 a.m. Monday – No, I probably should let him sleep even though this is VERY IMPORTANT!
3:36 a.m. Monday – Would baby gates ruin the luxury decor? What do rich people with fancy luxury villas do to keep their autistic six year olds from running into the ocean?
3:40 a.m. Monday – Sigh. Can’t sleep. Luckily I am used to functioning on almost no sleep. I have functioned on much less sleep than this. Although this reminds me of a friend in college who said, “I have drived much stoneder than this!”
3:45 a.m. Monday – But my children will be smarter than I was. They are already smarter than I was. Maybe Chaos is onto something with Rainbow Connection. Maybe the song has magical properties. Maybe “I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it. It’s something that I’m supposed to be…” Maybe what I need is a lullaby. Maybe I should wake the Bishop and make him sing to me.
3:46 a.m. Or I could just sing “Rainbow” to myself. “Why are there so many…”
4:00 a.m. Monday – Zzzzzzzz.

My trendy, trendy kids

6 Oct

I think the thing is that I need to stop calling Toddler Peanut that because he might be allergic.

Also I can’t call Chaos Peanut that because we’re not to have peanuts around until we know for sure about Toddler. So, I guess we’ll just call him Curley. I think I would like to call my daughter Flower.

What happened was, a few months ago Curley ate a peanut butter cracker and his face got a little red and blotchy. It just made me go “hmmm,” even though he was fine but I mostly, albeit not with any great passion, avoided giving him peanuts. But I didn’t avoid them myself – far from it. I’m vegan, and I love peanut butter. All nuts. Love ’em. Plus, great source of protein and good fats! Yes, I was pro-peanut butter for sure.

Last week we went to a wedding, and I accidentally let Curley have a peanut butter cookie. There was a huge assortment of cookies, and Curley is crazy about cookies, so I handed him another and as I gave it to him I thought, “I think that was pean… oh well…” because he’d already eaten half of it.

Then Curley got red in the face and started pointing at his mouth. I made him show me his tongue to make sure it wasn’t swelling, it wasn’t, but he was very upset and fell asleep on me. But, he’d skipped his nap that day and had been dancing a lot. When we got home, he promptly threw up and then he was fine. So maybe he ate too much? Thought we’d mention it to the pediatrician next time we were there, which turned out to be pretty much the next day because poor Curley came down with Croup and needed steriods and a breathing treatment.

So, while he was there, The Bishop described all of this to the pediatrician and she said, “PANIC!!” (Those were not her exact words.) And she immediately prescribed an Epi-Pen ($90!) and ordered us to go see an allergist and told us no more peanuts, or tree nuts, until the allergist says it’s OK. Gah! We are still reeling from that. Conversations in our house still sound like this:

Me: “Bishop, what do you want for dinner?”

Bishop: “I want… oh… right… we can’t have peanuts.”

Me: “Or tree nuts.”

Bishop: “I guess I’ll just have cold cereal then.”

Me; “Yeah, that sounds good. I will too.”

We will adjust and prevail, I’m sure.

If Curley has a peanut allergy, then I will have two kids that have conditions about which people always seem to say, “What’s with kids today? Nobody in MY generation had peanut allergies! Nobody in MY generation had autism!” People say that kind of stuff to me all the time, even before we started worrying that Curley is allergic to peanuts. “So many kids today have peanut allergies! Nobody in my time had peanut allergies! So many kids today are getting diagnosed with autism! It’s really common now!”

Yes, autism and peanut allergy. What can I say? My kids are modern. They are of the times. They are on-trend. They’re like Miley Cirus only hopefully not at all like her, ever.

%d bloggers like this: