Woof woof

7 Apr

OK, so first of all, I need to clear up a misunderstanding, for those of you who are friends with me on Facebook. I posted a video of Toddler Peanut insisting that a big, mean yellow cat was a dog that goes “woof woof.” It was teh cute and I’m not the only one who happens to think so. So, my cousin Elena responded basically saying, “Hey, is that your house? That’s spotless! I thought you were messy!”

I was going to post pictures of my house to clear up any confusion, but I couldn’t bring myself to just post pictures of my mess. I even took some with my iPad, and the Bishop said, “What are you doing? Are you taking pictures of our mess?”

“Yes!” I said.

“… are you going to post those on the internet?” he said.

“Um… no…” I said, thinking better of it. “Definitely not!”

So, just to clear up any confusion, that house in the video was my mother-in-law’s. It is spotless. Spotless.

My house is an f-ing pigsty by ANYONE’s standards.

And whenever I go to clean it, it gets worse. And lately, it feels like the Bishop and I are spending every weekend cleaning and then when we are done the house is still a mess and it hasn’t even gotten much cleaner at all. So, I’m having a service come tomorrow. Which we can’t afford. But we’re doing it anyway, just one time, to have them mop and scrub.

I had a service come one other time, right before Baby Peanut was born. At the time, I was about 10,000 months pregnant and the cleaning was a very sweet, generous and much-appreciated baby gift from my big sister. So, because I was so pregnant, I really couldn’t pre-clean before the service came, but I asked them to just work around the clutter and they promised me that they would. I don’t even know how many hours my sister paid them for, but when I got home from work, they had piled all the dusty toys and clothes and so on onto the BEDS so that they could clean the floors AND they hadn’t done the window blinds in our bedroom which is something I had specifically asked them to do. I ended up dumping the dusty toys back onto the floor because I had to change all the sheets. And I bawled my eyes out. I was so angry at the cleaning service. Pregnant and angry.

I do recognized that this was entirely my fault for not pre-cleaning, and I’m sure they are a fine cleaning service and all and the house was WAY cleaner when they were done and by the time my mother-in-law got done living here while I was in the hospital having Baby Peanut, the house was as clean as it has EVER BEEN and Baby Peanut came home to a clean, clean house, and then we promptly devoted ourselves to trashing it and now it looks like this. Needless to say, I did not hire them again.

This time, I am determined to come home to a clean house after I’ve gone to the trouble of hiring a service and having them clean me out of money. I said to the Bishop, “We’ve got to get everything off the floor and that’s all. They can do the rest.”

“Sure,” said the Bishop, and then promptly caught Cold Emily off of Toddler Peanut so now The Bishop is feeling lousy, and he’s been helping and helping anyway, because he wants a clean house too, The Bishop, he too doesn’t want to live like this.

And “Getting all the stuff up off the floor” is just not as easy a task as it sounds. For one thing, there are these pockets, these clusters of clutter that live on the floor and we don’t usually disturb them because we fear what’s underneath. But if we want the service to clean, we have to. So we’ve been doing that, taking apart these little cluttered corners of our house and it is VERY TIME CONSUMING. Toys on the floor are the least of our worries, but, on the other hand, there are still toys on the floor and there are still Clutter Pockets and I better get back to work while Toddler Peanut is still napping too.

Maybe if I have a clean house tomorrow I will be brave enough to post pictures? Probably not.

Also, listen. There was this BBC America/BBC show called “How Clean Is Your House” that I *loved* because it made me feel less bad about myself. They would have video of people’s houses that were WAY worse than mine (really! Though mine was definitely in that league back in Wisconsin when I had cats.) and then these two nice English ladies would come along and help them clean it. One of them would even take swabs of house germs and get a lab report on all the bacteria growing. Anyway, it was TV entertainment at its finest, and it’s long gone.

However, I found some episodes on You Tube.

Hooray! We’re SAVED!

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3 Responses to “Woof woof”

  1. Jackie (@jacqwolk) April 7, 2013 at 7:03 pm #

    Maybe, like me, you used the magical app I invented. It filters all manner of clutter, dirty flooring, and dust out of your photos, and gives the illusion that your home is as clean as a whistle!

    • ladymishegas April 9, 2013 at 2:02 am #

      That sounds like a very useful app! I would like that one, and also the teleportation app and the house cleaning app. Because really, why have an app to make you look like you have a clean house when you could have an app that would actually clean your house???

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