Archive | April, 2013

It looks like Simon Le Bon stopped by and licked my floors clean!

12 Apr

And the bathroom is clean! And the kitchen! It’s a MIRACLE.

Well, OK, it wasn’t Simon Le Bon, it was a cleaning service, and hopefully they used a mop rather than their tongues, and I did pay them whereas I doubt I could get Simon Le Bon to mop my floor naked no matter WHAT I paid him, AND, furthermore, if I *HAD* a the undivided attention of Simon Le Bon, I highly doubt I would ask him to clean my floor.

No, I wrote a check to a maid service and they came and did it but it feels as rare and miraculous as a celebrity sighting. I hired the service for two hours and I asked them to do the floors and the bathroom and the kitchen and they DID. I know all I have to do now is maintain it. And I’ve maintained it! For a WHOLE DAY so far!

And it you’re not impressed, you should be, because in order to maintain it I actually had to do a thing yesterday. Yes! It’s true! Baby peanut dumped his dinner on the floor and I cleaned it up. And today when I got home from work I walked around the house and picked up all the dirty laundry from the floor and put it in the laundry pile!

The bad news is, I’m kind of afraid to touch anything lest I mess it up and have to clean it.

Also I still have to finish and file my taxes.

But still! Clean Floor! It was right here! In *MY* house! I wonder if I can get my floor to sign an autograph.


Woof woof

7 Apr

OK, so first of all, I need to clear up a misunderstanding, for those of you who are friends with me on Facebook. I posted a video of Toddler Peanut insisting that a big, mean yellow cat was a dog that goes “woof woof.” It was teh cute and I’m not the only one who happens to think so. So, my cousin Elena responded basically saying, “Hey, is that your house? That’s spotless! I thought you were messy!”

I was going to post pictures of my house to clear up any confusion, but I couldn’t bring myself to just post pictures of my mess. I even took some with my iPad, and the Bishop said, “What are you doing? Are you taking pictures of our mess?”

“Yes!” I said.

“… are you going to post those on the internet?” he said.

“Um… no…” I said, thinking better of it. “Definitely not!”

So, just to clear up any confusion, that house in the video was my mother-in-law’s. It is spotless. Spotless.

My house is an f-ing pigsty by ANYONE’s standards.

And whenever I go to clean it, it gets worse. And lately, it feels like the Bishop and I are spending every weekend cleaning and then when we are done the house is still a mess and it hasn’t even gotten much cleaner at all. So, I’m having a service come tomorrow. Which we can’t afford. But we’re doing it anyway, just one time, to have them mop and scrub.

I had a service come one other time, right before Baby Peanut was born. At the time, I was about 10,000 months pregnant and the cleaning was a very sweet, generous and much-appreciated baby gift from my big sister. So, because I was so pregnant, I really couldn’t pre-clean before the service came, but I asked them to just work around the clutter and they promised me that they would. I don’t even know how many hours my sister paid them for, but when I got home from work, they had piled all the dusty toys and clothes and so on onto the BEDS so that they could clean the floors AND they hadn’t done the window blinds in our bedroom which is something I had specifically asked them to do. I ended up dumping the dusty toys back onto the floor because I had to change all the sheets. And I bawled my eyes out. I was so angry at the cleaning service. Pregnant and angry.

I do recognized that this was entirely my fault for not pre-cleaning, and I’m sure they are a fine cleaning service and all and the house was WAY cleaner when they were done and by the time my mother-in-law got done living here while I was in the hospital having Baby Peanut, the house was as clean as it has EVER BEEN and Baby Peanut came home to a clean, clean house, and then we promptly devoted ourselves to trashing it and now it looks like this. Needless to say, I did not hire them again.

This time, I am determined to come home to a clean house after I’ve gone to the trouble of hiring a service and having them clean me out of money. I said to the Bishop, “We’ve got to get everything off the floor and that’s all. They can do the rest.”

“Sure,” said the Bishop, and then promptly caught Cold Emily off of Toddler Peanut so now The Bishop is feeling lousy, and he’s been helping and helping anyway, because he wants a clean house too, The Bishop, he too doesn’t want to live like this.

And “Getting all the stuff up off the floor” is just not as easy a task as it sounds. For one thing, there are these pockets, these clusters of clutter that live on the floor and we don’t usually disturb them because we fear what’s underneath. But if we want the service to clean, we have to. So we’ve been doing that, taking apart these little cluttered corners of our house and it is VERY TIME CONSUMING. Toys on the floor are the least of our worries, but, on the other hand, there are still toys on the floor and there are still Clutter Pockets and I better get back to work while Toddler Peanut is still napping too.

Maybe if I have a clean house tomorrow I will be brave enough to post pictures? Probably not.

Also, listen. There was this BBC America/BBC show called “How Clean Is Your House” that I *loved* because it made me feel less bad about myself. They would have video of people’s houses that were WAY worse than mine (really! Though mine was definitely in that league back in Wisconsin when I had cats.) and then these two nice English ladies would come along and help them clean it. One of them would even take swabs of house germs and get a lab report on all the bacteria growing. Anyway, it was TV entertainment at its finest, and it’s long gone.

However, I found some episodes on You Tube.

Hooray! We’re SAVED!

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