Archive | January, 2012


23 Jan

I am not organized. Which is to say, I don’t have 60,000 labelled totes cluttering up my closets. I am not keeping the Container Store in business. Like many slobs, I like to say, “I know where everything is,” and that’s true to a certain extent, but then there are the panicked times that I am yanking every spice out of the spice cabinet and tossing it onto the floor in a desperate search for the garam masala that I just KNEW I had. (And then I thought maybe it was in the freezer. And it wasn’t. But I did find some cumin, which saved me from having to ransack the cabinet again looking for that. And then I found the garam masala the next day when I was looking for the coriander, and guess where it was? In the spice cabinet! The whole time!)

We’re having company this weekend, so the Bishop and I decided to tidy up a bit. The Bishop took seventeen thousand bags of recycling over to the recycling center and I went under the living room couch to see what I could find.

I expected to find the lost city of Atlantis, but really it was mostly toys. And books! Lots and lots of Chaos Peanut’s books. And socks. Everyone, including Baby Peanut who isn’t even old enough to throw his socks, was guilty of having thrown socks under the couch.

As we cleaned, we noticed an odd thing. Chaos Peanut got more… organized. Organized in her thoughts and actions. Asking to go potty during an accident instead of immediately after. I found her off-brand My Little Pony, which she named Mimo, under her special eating chair and after I pointed it out to her, she started playing a fun game where the Little People dolls (also found under the couch) line up to take rides on Mimo. Entirely imaginative. Engrossing for her. Really sort of awesome.

Usually she devotes her free time to singing and jumping on the couch, so it was great to see her doing something else.

I pointed this out to the Bishop, that it seemed to have benefitted Chaos Peanut, for us to have done a little bit of straightening. That she seemed more organized because the house was less untidy. (It is still quite, quite untidy, of course, but less so.)

We looked at each other and sighed, knowing how impossible it was going to be to keep it up, even for a day. What we had, instead, was another reason to feel guilty for the way we live.


A Link for you

14 Jan

Oh, I love this!  Finally a dollhouse that looks like home!

How DO I live like this?

6 Jan

Some days I really don’t know how I *DO* live like this.  Tuesday was one of those days.

I hurt my neck and shoulders, I don’t know how.  So when you’re imagining all of this, you need to include PAIN, OK?  Pain.  Not unbearable pain, just, like, low-grade, level 3 pain.  Annoying pain.  The kind of pain that makes you say, “My life would sure be better without this PAIN.”  That kind of pain.

So Tuesday, after a long-ish night, the Bishop woke me up at about 8:30 (Baby was still sleeping) so that I could have my shower.  After my shower, the Bishop took off for work, and Chaos Peanut celebrated by peeing in our bed.  So I stripped the bed and threw the sheets into the wash, while Baby Chaos sat in his bouncy seat and cried.  His heart was breaking without me.

Monday night, I had put a load of laundry on top of the wet laundry that was still in the washer (classy) and Tuesday morning the Bishop put the whole load (largest load of laundry EVAR) in the dryer.  It took about four years to dry.  When I went to get Chaos’ underwear and some nice warm clothes for Baby…

There was a suspicious smell of poop…

Because someone (note that I am not blaming the Bishop here.  Because it might have been me as well.  But it probably wasn’t.) had not cleaned all the poop out of Chaos’ pants after an accident, and so into the wash the poop went.

You know what happens when you launder poop and put it in the dryer?  I’m not talking about poop stains on clothes, I’m talking actual great balls of poop.  So do you know what happens?

Well, I’ll tell you what happens.  You get linty poop.

Which you then have to FIND among the shirts and pants and underpants and baby clothes.  You have to go hunting for the linty poop.

So I’m in the basement with my head in the dryer (at least it wasn’t in the oven!) hunting for linty poop.  Baby Peanut is upstairs (I can hear him) screaming his face off in the bouncy seat.  I know Chaos isn’t up there trying to kill him because she loves him so, because she had followed me into the basement.  She was very excited to find me, and also to find her Princess scooter, which was down in the basement because it is January, so she  celebrated by peeing on the floor.

Me, I located all of the linty poop (there were several pieces.  You didn’t want to know that?  Well, neither did I!) and threw it in the toilet.  I put the laundry back in to RE-wash, in two loads.  I got Chaos cleaned up and on the potty.

You’re remembering the background of PAIN and SCREAMING BABY right?

Also Baby decided that was a good day to really practice his upchucking skills.  He is really showing a talent for that.

I did have a babysitter come to help me that day.  Emily the Awesome showed up and stayed late and held Baby Peanut for me.  Baby Peanut was best pleased and he barfed on her too.  He didn’t want to play favorites.

It was easier once Awesome Emily was there, but also I feel like I really *should* be able to handle this on my own.  Mothers, since the beginning of time, have been  handling this and more, without Awesome Emily, and without even having things like a washing machine.  And they still have clean houses.

I want to make some snarky comment about how this just proves that I am completely inadequate but every time I try to phrase it I just sound insecure, and I am  not, or like I’m fishing for you to tell me that I am not completely inadequate, and I am not.

I know I am completely inadequate.  I know because one time I meditated for a writing class, and I looked deep into my inner self because the instructor said that there would be some deep spiritual message from my inner self that would guide me for the rest of my days.  So I looked deep into my inner self and I got the spiritual message that would guide me for the rest of my days, and the message was, “You are completely inadequate.”

I have decided the best thing to do is to make peace with that.

I (Mostly) Cleared a Path

5 Jan

Chaos Peanut went back to school today.  She took the bus.  She was really excited to take the bus to school.  “School bus, or no school bus?” she said, and then she answered herself, “School bus:  OK!”

She was so excited to go to school that she kind of neglected to sleep.

So we were all up early except for Baby Peanut, (slept from 9-7:30 at 10 weeks, and he does this sort of crazy thing ALL THE TIME!!  WTF, Baby Peanut?  And of course all I can think is, “This is temporary, this just means he’ll be up all night when he’s 2.”  Because I have vague, distant memories, that Chaos Peanut used to sleep too.  But maybe it was a dream, generated by my sleep-deprived mind, and in fact it never really happened.) Chaos Peanut hasn’t slept through the night more than, like, once, in, like YEARS.  Years.

And poor Bishop Mishegas has to deal with her in the overnight because I am the one who deals with the baby.  At the time, we thought he was getting the better end of the deal.  Not so much.  Poor, tired, Bishop.

But, sleepy or not, at 8:14 this morning the Bishop and I put Chaos on the big yellow school bus and then we did a big happy dance and we went out to breakfast with Baby to celebrate.  Is that mean? Well, I don’t care.  I’ve been cleaning pee and poop off of the floor for 14 days and I am returning a girl who is much further along in her potty training goals, and now I get a “break.”

I went to Trader Joe’s, saw my poetist  therapist, went to Target, and now I’m home.  AND  Baby Peanut fell asleep in the car and so far HE IS STILL ASLEEP.  And yes, I should get back to cleaning and baking cookies.  I just took a break to EAT LUNCH!!  What a day!

My parents are coming.  I don’t clean for them.  I used to… I used to clean for visitors, but only so that I could get it to the point where I could apologize for the mess.  Like, I’d frantically clean and scrub for 3 days before company came, and then when they walked in, I’d say, “Sorry about the mess!”

And they’d never, ever say, “Oh, this isn’t messy at all, this is very clean and tidy and pleasant,” oh no.

They’d say, “That’s OK, we know you’re busy.”

And now, with Baby Peanut, I can’t really even do that 3 day cleaning thing.  I did clear a path from my living room to the bathroom, so that my parents can sit and my living room and get up and use the bathroom if they want to without tripping over papers, envelopes, groceries that haven’t been put away, Baby’s bouncy seat (which he hates, because if he is sitting in it, he is not sitting on me or you), Chaos’ pink Princess table or any of the four matching (small) chairs, Little People dolls, action figures from Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, (yes, they have action  figures from those shows, and yes, Chaos Peanut has all of them.  They’re her faves.) dirty spoons that Chaos Peanut threw on the floor in disgust while eating a bowl of bananas and yelling, “I want BANANAS!” and I don’t want to know what else.

But, we’re safe from that stuff, because I have kicked it all to the edges of the room and made a nice, clear path for walking.

My mother is going to want to clean and organize me but she is not allowed. She is banned from cleaning and organizing because last time she was here she decided to organize the baby’s room and get the stuff off the floor and she threw out two Hanukkah presents, one for my nephew and one for the big family gift exchange.  I managed to fish them out of the trash, but only after wasting a lot of my valuable non-Baby-holding time hunting for them, plus emailing the Bishop saying, “Have you seen an Ewok?”

To his credit, the Bishop just said, “No, not recently.”

I cleaned a thing!

3 Jan

Usually I get so completely overwhelmed by the amount of cleaning that I need to do that I just don’t do any of it, which works handily for Chaos Peanut, who would just follow me around messing it up anyway, and also for Baby Chaos, because I’d have to put him down to clean and he’s not feeling that and also for Bishop Mishegas, because he doesn’t care that much and if I don’t clean a thing he also doesn’t have to clean a thing.

However, today before I took my shower (so Bishop was entertaining Baby by making him be a Space Robot; more on that perhaps another time.)  I decided to take 30 seconds to clean the sink.  My friend Tracy’s 5 year old son totally sink-shamed me a few weeks ago, by not wanting to use my potty because my sink was, I believe he said, “distusting.”

I cleaned it after he sink-shamed me, but then it got “distusting” again because of the “frothy mixture of Barbasol and tiny hairs that is sometimes the by-product of Bishop Mishegas shaving.”  (Paraphrased from Spreading Santorum, in case you didn’t catch it.  And by the way, don’t you think I should name that “distusting” stuff after a politician I disagree with?  I mean, it’s a brilliant idea.  It’s INCREDIBLY mature.  Santorum is taken, so how about I name that stuff, Palin.)

Anyway, the sink was clogged with Palin, and I had to clear the Palin out of the sink.  I have a sink poker thingamajig that is great for clearing Palin out of sinks.  I think it was As Sold on TV, and it’s a grabby bit on a long flexible tube with a gun thing on the end and you thread it into your clogged sink and squeeze the gun thing and it yanks all the Palin out of your drain and it’s satisfyingly vomitous and you can say, “YUCK!” while you dispose of the Palin and the thingamajig is way better than Dran-O.  Plus anyway, I’m terrified of Dran0 because of that scene in “Heathers” when Christian Slater gives the first Heather a glass of DranO to drink and she promptly drops dead.

So I pulled the stopper out of the drain and the stopper was FULL of Palin (I don’t want to know why it turns dark grey after a while, so don’t tell me.) and then I put the sink poker down the sink and then I scrubbed the whole thing down with Ajax or whatever and the whole thing took five minutes.

In fact it has taken me considerably longer to write this post than it took me to clean a thing.

Stay tuned tomorrow… maybe I will clean another thing!

Senator Mishegas wants a name change

3 Jan

Senator Mishegas does not want to be a senator.

Can’t blame him for that, the way the U.S. Senate behaves most of the time.

He says he wants to be “Bishop Mishegas.”  Also you should say that ten times fast.

Grocery Shopping with Lady Mishegas

3 Jan

I hate it when Senator Mishegas tells me that the $9.64 we saved on groceries by being members of the store’s “savings club” is all a scam.

NOOOO!  I am a savvy shopping, coupon collecting Super Housewife, not the victim of a lousy scam!

Never mind that every time I save coupons, I lose them until they expire.  Then I find them.

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